What’s up, LoL n00bs? My name is Aedaen, and today I’m going to teach you to #GarenLikeABOSS. Follow my guide, and you’ll be owning top lane in no time. Let’s get going! Garen doesn’t wait; why should I?
The Set Up
First off, it’s time to break your keyboard. That’s right! You only need two keys to play Garen: E & B. Even B is optional, because if you die you get the same effect as B anyway. Death: OP AF!
Next, change your mouse sensitivity. It doesn’t matter what you change it to; what’s important is that all pros tweak their mouse sensitivity and you should too!
While you’re at it, make sure your mouse glows. If you don’t have a fancy glowing mouse, it basically means you can’t be good at the game. I recommend buying something from Razr, but don’t bother configuring it or rebinding its keys. You already knew how your old mouse worked! What’s important is that the new one is bright and shiny.
The Early Game
You have two objectives in the lane phase as a Tryhard Garen™:
- PUSH the minions until you have no health left.
- SPEND all your gold on whatever your friend says is the best item for the meta. Right now, I hear it’s a scythe or something.
Both are super easy. To achieve objective #1, just run in and MASH-THE-BEJEZUS out of E. Don’t worry if your fingers slip and hit one of those “other” keys. Just keep mashing! It works. The more minions you kill with your super spin, the further out you’ll push the lane. The further the lane is pushed, the better the job you’re doing!
If someone starts harassing in you in lane, ignore them. Everyone knows the goal of League is to kill minions; it’s easy to get distracted by opposing champs if you don’t know what you’re doing. The one exception is if you spot an enemy deep underneath their turret. Then you should go big; this is literally THE BEST time to go in! It doesn’t matter how much health the opposing champ has; you’ll definitely get them. And if they kill you while you’re farming – that’s awesome! You just got some stress-free time to shop.
Speaking of shopping, just do it whenever! Your gold never goes down, so there’s no rush to cash in for newer and better items right away. I like to wait until I have 2-3K banked and make a big purchase all at once. This is called GOLD EFFICIENCY or something; I’m not really sure. My buddy who’s Plat said it’s a good thing to do. Or he would be Plat if he played ranked. He legit kicks my butt in Street Fighter though!
Another important note about shopping is that you should NEVER vary what you buy. League is all about comfort and routine, like a warm glass of milk before bedtime. Buying the same items game after game builds “expertise” and helps you become a “better” and “more consistent” player.
A lot of people talk about warding and vision control as being important. I read online once that you need to put a ward in the tri-bush. I’m not sure what that means (or if it was some kind of weird innuendo) but that’s my life motto now: put a ward in the tri-bush and you’re basically a Faker-level pro!
There’s something called a stealth ward you can get, but I tried it once and it’s total junk. Ward skins, on the other hand, are a MUST BUY. Only total n00bs rock the default skin!
In the mid-game there’s a few key things to look for…
First, keep a close eye on the minimap for any teamfights or big pushes from the enemy. This is a PERFECT time to afk in lane and farm, or try to solo Dragon! You can be 100% certain the enemy team is not going to notice or bother you at these times – this is your moment! I like to put M&M on my cell phone and crank the 8 Kilometer soundtrack whenever a teamfight starts. I’M NOT AFRAID / TO MAKE A STAND!
Second, there’s something called the Jungle, but as Garen you don’t ever need to know about it. It’s a dark scary place, and you should be simultaneously freaked out and strangely intrigued by its allure. Every so often, it’s a good idea to poke your head in there and kill one of monster-things to get some gold. But do it randomly, so the enemy team can’t predict your movement. And NEVER stay in the jungle too long! I don’t know what happens if you do, but it probably involves a DDOS attack.
Late game is where the real action in League happens. At this point, if you’ve followed my guide you are SUPER OP because you’ve farmed the heck out of your lane and are decked in ridiculous gear (that is, the same gear you build every game – see tip above). Now it’s time to go crush the opposing team!
At this point, go ahead and just randomly wander the map looking for enemy champions. Garen has something called an ultimate, triggered by the R key – but again, if you’ve been following this guide you haven’t put any points into it. Like we talked about, just dive and MASH E! SPIN TO WIN! #n00bsgetdishwashed
Sometimes your teammates might get all scared because the enemy team is trying to “push on your core.” Pro Tip: your core defends itself! That’s what all those turrets (and sit-ups) are for. Duh!
Also, sometimes games of League can go REALLY long. Like, way too long. 40+ minutes?! Who has time for that! Remember, it’s okay to just sit in the shop while you take a bio break, browse the internet, or walk the dog. After all, you’re invulnerable!
Sadly, there will inevitably be games that you lose. That’s fine: these games can be safely and accurately blamed on your teammates. Remember, if you’ve been following this guide YOU ARE A LIVING ROCKSTAR and the loss literally cannot be your fault. Therefore your team must have done something wrong; go ahead and flame them. Aggressively! After all, they picked lame heroes who suck in the meta, like Yasuo. Be sure to let them know it’s their fault you’re so upset!
When criticizing your team, you should use the most colorful language possible. Riot has a chat filter to test your creativity, not to ban explicit language! Illiteracy is no problem: a lot of horrible things can be expressed with a third-grade vocabulary and heart full of rage! Sometimes your teammates will hate back, and it will hurt. That’s fine. At this point, it’s fine to switch things up and blame “the smurfs.” The smurfs are little blue people from a cartoon you might vaguely remember. I don’t know why it’s their fault, but it is.
- Reddit threads are FULL of levelheaded players dispensing great advice. Everyone on Reddit knows what they’re talking about!
- You probably also have a friend who’s really good at League. Ask him for tips! That’s basically the same as getting coaching from Faker.
- When you make a mistake, blame “The Patch.” Riot keeps screwing things up with “The Patch.”
- There’s something called PING which determines how much your computer is holding you back. A good PING is zero, or possibly negative. Lower your computer’s PING by pulling the power cord out of the wall if you start losing!
That’s all: go forth and pwn n00bs! And Happy April Fool’s Day from the Gamer Sensei team!